hmm...

I know I have not been blogging recently. Firstly it's because I just got into my new admin job, where I was very busy clearing the day-by-day invoices. Secondly, my internet access at home got cut.

A big news: My sis is getting married in September, and apparantly it's going to be ROM + dinner. The moment I heard this news from my dad, I was very surprised, even though it was to be expected. Why? Because I believe it's too early an age to marry, and I believe it might be a shotgun marriage, or rather a marriage out of impulse. The latter point I might be wrong to assume, since I rarely see my sister at home anyway and I don't even know who her boyfriend.. err husband-to-be is. The only thing I know is that she changes her bf like changing clothes. I'm disturbed by this fact at first, but I guess it's not really a big deal. Next, I ask my dad, how long has she been going steady with this husband-to-be of hers, and he replied "I don't know". ... Great.

I don't know whether my sis suffered from the same symptoms as me, considering that when my (blood) parents divorce, both of us were there. Because of that, I strongly affirms that if one day I'm going into marriage, I will think twice, or even thrice before proceeding. And even if the marriage is in shabbles while I have kids, I will place divorce as the last resort. I originally want to keep the option totally out, but it's unrealistic. I really hope my sis knows what she's doing. I wouldn't want to end up helping her to take care of her children, which I know I will be too soft to refuse her. I don't want my or her children to go through whatever I've been through. It's unnecessary.

Or maybe she's much stronger than me in will. She was not as affected by the divorce as me, and I was weak in mind, very weak. When we were young kids, my sis who is younger than me, is braver and more assertive than me, which sometimes misled people to think that she's my elder sister (there's also the factor where I look younger than her too, but it's considerably less significant). Even til this day, people still make this mistake, over and over again.

And then, self pity starts to set in. You will start to compare things, and you will keep looking at the negative sides of yourself, and the corresponding positive side of the other. You will berate yourself for turning out the way you are. And being the ambiguous person that you are, you can't even rationalise whatever feelings you are feeling now. Thoughts start to go awry, and you find yourself walking on a long street which you won't normally do. You want to find somebody to accompany you, but either that person is unavailable or you don't feel like disturbing them. Step by step, you ponders, why the hell are you walking on a journey to a destination which you can reach easily by taking a bus. Why are you so intent on walking, or rather why are you so intent on wasting time on such things than using this time to study for your exams? Before long, you have reached the destination. Then you realise, it's pointless for all these thoughts. Get on.